Floating Balloon

A little over a year ago I walked out the door of someone’s home who I considered my best friend. I got in my car, drove away and have not seen her since. I have mourned the loss of the friendship in so many different ways. I have felt an absence in knowing how to replace it but have realized you don’t replace things like that. Organically over time you grow closer to others and everything becomes memories or things you recall, both bad and good. But that’s the key, it’s over time, it doesn’t happen in just one year. Things grow naturally over time and friendship is one of those. Some friendships, like the one I had, grow rapid and fast because there are so many connections, so many commonalities and instant moments of sharing joy and laughter. Those friendships are rare and I’m blessed to have had them in my life and have ones that remain, some that have been around for more than 15 years. I have ones that are growing now that I can see unfolding into a beautiful friendship that will be such a unique part of my life to come.

But there’s always an emptiness that is left behind when we say goodbye to someone. There are instant goodbyes that are tragically taken by death, there are goodbyes that happen by naturally growing apart through time and then there are goodbyes that happen for a reason. Two people not seeing eye-to-eye on something even though they’ve agreed on so much in the past.

I keep thinking of the voice I heard a year ago. Who stood there and said “Bye Maya” and I think I was truly hoping I’d turn around and say “You know what, let’s just forget all of this and move on.” But it wasn’t something that simple. Some things just don’t work that way and when you can hear God telling you it’s time to let go, it’s time to really let go no matter how hard it is.

I have thought of it like a balloon floating up into the sky. I see the potential that was there, for friendship, for the other relationships this person had, for their own growth and how that could have taken them to a whole new beautiful level. It sounds cheesy but that was my deepest hope for my friend. And then I see my hand let go, the balloon escapes my grip and floats over the rooftops and into the sky. I know it will pop eventually because that’s what they do once the pressure hits them and I think about the pieces of the balloon falling back down someplace. Pieces that need picked up and put back together but a balloon doesn’t work that way. It’s true essence of being a balloon is gone. It’s already been explored and is now moving onto the next thing.

I picture myself trying to put the balloon back together for my friend and helping her try to make it like it used to be. But I can’t do that for her, that’s for her to own, see truth in and admit. I want to hear her voice say, “I get it. I want the pieces to fit back together and want to fix what I messed up.” and maybe I will hear that one day but I can’t hold onto that hope. I have to let it go and know my time is over there. I will trust again, I will have open conversations, challenge my friends and love them unconditionally. I will trust again...did I say that already?

Friendship is a truly powerful thing that I believe God puts into our lives to show us parts of us we didn’t know existed. Some of those friendships are around to see the result of discovering those aspects of ourselves and some are there just to pull them out and then retrieve to let growth continue without them around. I’m learning to accept that in my life and to see how when I let a string lose of myself and open myself up that I grow and others can too.

Comments

[It's me, Betsy]

Beautiful post. I'm so sorry you are going through that. I am too right now and struggle with friendships I lost after my husband died. Man, it's such a yucky feeling missing a friend and wondering if it could ever be fixed. Ugh. Sometimes I just wonder if I'm a bad friend because ever few years, I seem to be going through a loss of a friend. Yikes....

You are an awesome person. Thanks for sharing yourself.

[Tina]

So sorry you're going through that right now, it's always so tough to mourn the loss of a friend. I think we've all been there though, unfortunately:(